If you haven't seen the show A Million Little Things I totally recommend it! Don't worry I'm not giving any spoiler alerts here about the show... The only spoiler alert is that I am still alive, well(ish), and kicking!

 

I've made it no secret that I attempted suicide some years ago. It's something that I did keep secret for a long time because I was ashamed and felt like people looked at me differently. I felt broken and had honestly reached my lowest point.

 

I channeled those feelings into two audiobooks where I opened up about the suicide attempt and what led me to it. The books aren't all doom and gloom I also share all the Million Little Things that I have to live for in life and just how truly thankful that I am that I am still here. I am thankful that God gave me a second chance.

 

Dealing with depression is something that billions face each and every day yet they keep it a secret because they feel like they don't have anyone in their corner. I know because I felt that way for the longest time.... But the truth is with depression you don't see the truth standing right there in front of you; all the love, care, and support that one could ever hope for in life. I had all those things, I still have all those things. I just didn't realize it. So many people that I talk to feel like they should give up and not face another day because they have nothing to live for but I'm here to tell you that you do. Right now it may not seem like you have "A million little things...." You may only have one thing at the moment, but that one thing could turn out to be a MILLION LITTLE THINGS that you never knew existed because you're living in a pool of depression, self-doubt, self-harm, and all the other things that come along with depression.

 

You don't get the Million Little Things all at once but once you accept that you're not broken, once you accept that you are loved even when you don't feel like it... YOU ARE SO LOVED, YOU ARE CARED FOR!

 

I have an outlet to share some of my story while on stage and the main point that I make at every show that I do is that we are all PERFECTLY IMPERFECT and we all have a story and no matter how big or small we think our story is, our story is meant to be heard...

 

If you are reading this and you feel alone I'm truly sorry that you feel that way but for every person reading this that does feel alone I assure you that there are billions of other people who feel the exact same way that you do, You're not alone I assure you. Life throws so many unexpected curveballs our way and it usually happens when we are at our lowest point and that takes us to an even lower point... Don't give up, don't give in, fight for your life because your life has meaning for who you are! The truth is you're an amazing person no matter what has happened to you in your past, no matter what mistakes you've made, you have to focus on the present and the future because if we dwell on the past we may miss out on one if not all the million little things.

 

Sorry for the shameless plugs but if you like AudioBooks you can go to www.JoshuaReid-Davis.net to find out all the media outlets where you can download Behind The Smile and Broken? The two books I have written on my journey to share my story and my journey. So many times people look at our social media and they see what we put out there, the best versions of ourselves when sometimes on the inside we are dying inside.... Don't go through this journey alone... Do it with someone! Find someone who will be there for you no matter what, someone who will not judge you, and someone to love you for the person that you are!

 

For more information on suicide prevention you there are so many resources out there

 

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

We can all help prevent suicide. The Lifeline provides 24/7, free and confidential support for people in distress, prevention and crisis resources for you or your loved ones, and best practices for professionals.

800-273-8255

 

https://www.crisistextline.org

Crisis Text Line is the free, 24/7, confidential text message service for people in crisis. Text HOME to 741741

Suicide is preventable. Get free help now. Text CONNECT to 741741

I have been doing a lot of self reflection over the past few months. I have had dreams come true of finally publishing my Audiobook and I have seen dreams fade away before they could even see the light of the world… The light of my World. No I don’t have my own planet but by “My World” it’s my life, it’s my heart, it’s the hopes I have for my life and those in it, it’s the dreams that I seek and hope to find. During this “self reflection” and listening to my Audio Book I thought of so many things that I didn’t include and wish that I had and then I will randomly be telling a story or I will hear a song and I bought a notebook and I write these thoughts down because I don’t want them to get lost again.

So many times I tell my friends, family, acquaintances, or whomever comes into my life that I love them and the truth is I do… With each friendship or relationship that comes into my life I don’t just accept people into my life I accept them into my heart… Believe me it’s not intentional and at times I wish that I had a switch to turn it off but at the same time I don’t want to flip that switch because it’s what makes me who I am… When people ask me to tell them about myself what I would really like to say is that, “I am me! I am on a journey of self discovery that I think we are all on and yes so many people may seem to have their lives together… Do they? Why do people put on a front? We post only the HAPPY photos on social media and we want to show you part of our lives but that’s not who I am; I don’t just put on happy faces for people yet then again I do because well what can I say Life must go on! The Show Must Go On! We Must Go On!”

So yea that’s kind of where I am I am trying to find my place in the world and I think that it scares people at times which is honestly why I feel that I am single because I am ME! Nothing will ever change that and in all honesty I don’t want change I want to be loved for who I am and not for my job, not for my connections and the people that I know, not for the people that I work with… I want someone to love me for me… I want to find my person and share my life with whoever God blesses me with. I don’t date and in all honestly part of it is because I am scared of getting hurt again but at the same time it would be nice to have someone seek me out, I am so tired of doing all the work…. So I am content with my life I just want to share it with someone who can love me in the same way that I love them…

Love has no age, it has no limits. I saw an article on the news just the other day of a couple that were 74 and they were high school sweethearts but life took them in other directions and they found each other all these years later and they found the Happy Ending that was written for them in the stars many moons ago…

I often say that I speak in song lyrics, movie quotes, and quotes by other people… I had the chance to tell Betty Who how much her music means to me! I just adore her! (SHE IS AN AMAZING SINGER AND IF YOU DON’T KNOW HER MUSIC LOOK HER UP! SHE IS BEYOND AMAZING SHE IS LIFE CHANGING!) For example she has a song called Right Here and some of the lyrics say:

"There's a pounding in my chest It's getting hard to breathe morning's coming but not yet so take your time with me whisper sweet and pull me close never let me go never let me go. You could stay here in my arms so tight We could lay here in this perfect night I could love you if you'd let me dear so stay right here...Stay right here”

Just those few lyrics alone pull on my heart strings, in all honesty so many of her songs feel like she pulled the words straight from my heart.

Along with music and quotes I have always related to movies and one movie in particular that has touched my heart and made the most sense to me is Titanic… As you read this you may be asking yourself, “A sinking ship? Is Josh crazy?” Well yes I am crazy but the movie Titanic has touched my life in so many ways and it has helped me process the finding of love, losing love, moving on after love, trying to find that adventure in life and going on without that special person. In the theme Song Celine Dion sings, “Love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime…” These words are so true; not just in love but in the love of friendship and the adventure of life. One of my favorite quotes from Titanic is when Jack and Rose are down in the car and he says, “Where to, Miss?” and Rose says, “To the stars…” In the back seat of that car they “went to the stars that night and as funny as this is I too found the stars in the back of a car and the windows were foggy and my handprint was on the window and we both laughed and I took a picture of the window because this truly was a to the stars moment in my life… On my journey I seek life, adventure, love, and all the things we hope to find in life because that’s all that we can do. Yes life throws many obstacles our way yet it throws so many blessings along with it….

I know it may sound weird but sometimes I feel like Rose from Titanic; she found true love and lost it yet she kept her promise to seek life and honor his memory… These are just random thoughts and I am all over the place with this but I just want to find someone to be with that I can make happy and that can in return make me happy as well.

Life isn’t always rainbows and butterflies when the rain comes it’s those standing out there with you or those bringing you an umbrella that truly make the biggest impacts on our hearts.

Yes I’m very nostalgic (Hence what I am writing….) But at the same time life is this path that we are all on and I can only hope and pray that I experience everything that I can throughout my time here on this planet.  But I do have the love of friendship and family and that truly is one of the greatest loves of all; friends aren't just there when its convenient...They are there for you anytime even if it's just a text message to check on you... Speaking of standing in the rain.... Funny story.... In life and friendships I think that the things that happen on the way are what help our frienships grow... We were supposed to go camping and had the tent set up and everything but we had an event so we would be coming back to the campground after hours so we had to open a gate with two deadbolt combinations... Well... Naturally we are an hour away and the lightning strikes all around (I think you can see where this is going....) At some points we were driving ahead of the storm and at others we were right in it... We got so drenched but we got that "Easy to open gate" open (actually it is easy to open if it's not coming a hurricane around you haha) but we got our stuff and the tent and it truly was an epic moment, sure we didn't get to camp but we did get the thrill and rush of bonding in the rain freezing from the cold and naturally I had skinny jeans on so those were so not easy to peel off haha but it's truly times like these you learn to live again... It's times like these that make friendships stronger and in the future it will be like, "Remember when we tried to camp..."  Life can be a storm on you or you can have a friend there beside you fighting every step of the way....

God places people in our lives for a reason and over this past weekend I met a girl who had on a shirt that said Perfectly Imperfect and she told me that she wrote stories for her school about it and that was her motto in life and I too and going to adopt her motto and be Perfectly Imperfect because those are two words that describe us all, no matter our age, gender, race, sexuality, or outlook on life nothing in our lives is perfect and one thing that I want to stress is be who you are and be who makes you happy! Don’t change for anyone because if someone is worth your love, your time, and your energy then they need to realize that we are who we are and who we are is amazing…. We are all Perfectly Imperfect in on our way….

I apologize for getting all emo on the love train in this passage it just sucks when you have so many wonderful people in your life that you could be enjoying your life with and life is just passing us all by….

It was raining and I dropped my keys and by the time I found them I was drenched… I text him and said, “I’m soaking wet in your neighborhood and freezing…” He said, “LoL stop by and I will give you dry clothes….” He’s sweet like that.

We always went on adventures together… So many late night adventures. I always knew in the back of my mind that he would be going back to continue college in New York but their was something about him… He brought out a part of me that I had lost so long ago… That’s what I loved about him… He has so much energy the way that I do.

One night we were in his room and he was packing to leave and go back to New York and he found his favorite childhood book. It was so sweet, we laid in his floor and I put my head on his shoulder and he read to me; my God it was so sweet, he didn’t know it at the time but I cried as he read… It was at that moment I knew in my heart that I loved him. He has every quality that I love about myself. After I was raped and serving in the Military I lost part of myself. I lost a huge part. Wine helped me through a lot of things back then. But with him it was different… We weren’t dating yet we did go on what was the most amazing dates of my life… It changed my life forever.

We took long walks around the golf course, random adventures, and one evening in the back of my car it looked just like the scene in Titanic when they made love in the back of the car and her hand went across the steamy glass… We both laid and laughed.

He’s a wonderful friend he has a heart of gold and he will always be in the category of “One of the One’s that got away…”

I love his heart, I love his drive, I love him, I love that he helped bring me to a place of joy in my heart again and find it…. I love him for being HIM….

So back to the night in the pouring rain he came out and saved me with dry clothes and we shared laughs… It was then I knew that we were no longer friends that made out in the backseats of cars, or rolling around the golf course at 3 am…. We were two friends that would always be there for each other…. I must admit I miss our wild adventures. I miss his smile after a kiss, but the beauty of friendship is that you share love in other ways… You live and share this world together and that’s what matters.

Now I don’t want to sound like a crazy person (which for me it isn’t hard to do…) I was looking through my closet tonight and found the hoodie he loaned me and as I smelled it I had flashbacks of playing at PRIDE, our first date, our “I’ll be going back to NY talk so we shouldn’t date, our random adventures at night through the woods,….Again I cried and at that moment all I wanted to do was lay my head on his shoulder and listen to him read me a story.

I gave up once and tried to end it all... I gave up on life and myself... for those of you going through a hard time know that you're not alone.... Don't ever become the . Always stay the ; in your life because Even as I type this I'm going through a rough time but I have seen worse and I've seen better and I know that my story isn't over yet and neither is yours!

-Josh

April 16th is #NationalSuicideAwareness day The semicolon represents a sentence the author could have ended, but chose not to. The author is YOU & the sentence is YOUR LIFE! I've been there. I lost my way and gave up. I thank God that He gave me a second chance. If you are having thoughts of suicide or need someone to talk to call https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org" target="_blank">The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at (800) 273-8255.  It doesn't just have to be one day.... Be a semicolon EVERYDAY! 

I also love this quote:

“As we stand there, it hits me how quickly everything changes - how life is like peering into a kaleidoscope, and just as you're looking at a gorgeous pattern you think you'd maybe even like to keep around forever, the colors morph into something completely different, and there's no getting back to that first pattern. No matter how much you'd like to see it again.”

― Holly Schindler

Photo By:Autumn Dawn

 

For anyone who knows me they know that I speak it music lyrics, movie quotes, and just quotes in general. I love when you can hear a song and it just grabs your heart and say's, "I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL... YOU'RE NOT ALONE IN THIS...." No it doesn't make it any easier.

I was driving and Last Kiss by Taylor Swift came on tonight and it hit way too close to home. I love the lyrics It doesn't matter how old you are the lyrics most defiantly hit close to home.

So many times in our lives we are dating someone or in a relationship and then out of nowhere it ends leaving you vulnerable, sad, wondering what went wrong, and it builds walls around our hearts... Songs like this give me hope and remind me I'm not alone... You're not alone.

I'll never forget I was out with a guy and we had the most amazing night and when we kissed goodnight somehow deep down I knew that it was going to be the last time... Alas I was right....For me it's hard because I am considered as Pansexual and no not becuse I am a huge Peter Pan fan but I like based on a persons heart not their gender, so gay, bi, transgender, and sadly I have straight crushes too... Which these all lead to broken hearts because transguys typically like women, bi tend to like women, gay are just wanting to have sex, straight.... Need I say more? It's like I just wan't to find my person... I love and enjoy life and in all open honesty I am lonely I miss going on dates and snuggling... I want love again.... The people I can have a relationship with either live in another state, or are married, or fate throws another coal onto the fire.... I know my person is out there somewhere...

-Josh

"I still remember the look on your face

Lit through the darkness at 1:58

The words that you whispered

For just us to know

You told me you loved me

So why did you go away?

Away

I do recall now the smell of the rain

Fresh on the pavement

I ran off the plane

That July 9th

The beat of your heart

It jumps through your shirt

I can still feel your arms

[Chorus]

But now I'll go sit on the floor

Wearing your clothes

All that I know is

I don't know how to be something you miss

I never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

[Verse 2]

I do remember the swing of your step

The life of the party, you're showing off again

And I roll my eyes and then

You pull me in

I'm not much for dancing

But for you I did

Because I love your handshake, meeting my father

I love how you walk with your hands in your pockets

How you kissed me when I was in the middle of saying something

There's not a day I don't miss those rude interruptions

[Chorus]

But now I'll go sit on the floor

Wearing your clothes

All that I know is

I don't know how to be something you miss

I never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

[Bridge]

So I'll watch your life in pictures like I used to watch you sleep

And I feel you forget me like I used to feel you breathe

And I keep up with our old friends just to ask them how you are

Hope it's nice where you are

And I hope the sun shines

And it's a beautiful day

And something reminds you

You wish you had stayed

You can plan for a change in weather and time

But I never planned on you changing your mind

[Chorus]

But now I'll go sit on the floor

Wearing your clothes

All that I know is

I don't know how to be something you miss

I never thought we'd have a last kiss

Never imagined we'd end like this

Your name, forever the name on my lips

Just like our last kiss

Forever the name on my lips..."

-Taylor Swift

Ah the first of many....

I plan on writing random blogs on things that may or may not interest you... Hopefully it will and it will make you want to come back and visit the site more. This isn't just a site to promote my Audio Book but it does feel good to finally have it published and OUT THERE for the world to hear if they so choose.

It's out there now and there's no turning back the book is out on many media outlets and in all honesty I am HAPPY! It was very hard reliving some of the topics that I discussed but then again it was fun remembering so many fond memories that I cherish and carry in my heart forever. I'm no stranger to the public I talk on stage for a living and in all honesty I LOVE IT! Each time that I walk on stage I know in my heart that I am exactly supposed to be and it feels good.

Hosting conventions is truly a wonderful experience and I want to thank Kenny and Autumn for taking a chance on me. It could have gone one or two ways, I could have gone our there and really made a mess or I could have gone out there and gave it all my heart; and that's exactly what I did... And I have been doing so ever since my first show. That's another one of the reasons that I wanted to do this Audio Book because people always ask, "How do you have all this energy?" or they'll say, "I don't see how you can be on stage all day and night for three days straight with hardly any sleep and still keep the energy moving...." and things like that. But the truth is we all give it our best we all go on little sleep because we stay until the last event is over and we begin early each day. It's a thrill and a rush and I will write another blog later on about convention life and just how much it means to me, I just wanted to take a moment to write and say that now that my Audio Book is out my story isn't finished... I will continue to write in blogs and talk to you guys and tell you all stories or as we like to call them "Josh Stories" and continue on this adventure together.

Thank you all for being in my world and thank you for letting me be part of your world!

~Josh